17 May 2009
Well if I could I surely would
Stand on the rock where Moses stood
Here I am, home alone in a place that is as good a home as my own, although it is not literally my own. After more than one month of being here, it has become a home, just like this country as a whole. This place has permeated me and it is amazing to feel it from that position, it totally shifts the perspective and the understanding of things, people, phenomena, places… During this journey, I have really gone through the entire distance and closeness of extremes, from the fear of unknown to the freedom of the spirit. Sometimes it is unbelievable what we put ourselves through in order to FEEL something, to feel alive. Why do people live and still do not feel alive?
Pharaoh's army got drownded
O Mary don't you weep
What happens is that you move from routine and order into chaos, try to stabilize and manage to enter another routine and find another order, but then inevitably chaos comes again and takes over your life and you find yourself in need to look for order again and again and again. Sometimes you look for chaos because there has been too much order, other times you look for order because there has been so much chaos… Still, it is all life! I believe that when signs appear, showing that your life has been stuck somewhere, any human being will be ready to do whatever it takes to evade that place. Some of us have a hard time deciding that they need to challenge themselves, for some it is hard to accept and acknowledge that they are in a closed space and need to open up. But this is life and life can take you to different places, just as you take yourself through different experiences, because that is the only way to find yourself. And the beauty of it lies in the diversity we can all live and create!
Well Mary wore three links and chains
On every link was Jesus' name
Pharaoh's army got drownded
O Mary don't you weep
Sometimes you have to break the chains in order to re-gain your life…
When I look back at my life one year ago, I can’t believe what actually happened since then. It seems somewhat unreal, but it was all so liberating! Even working in a place I hated and doing a job I did not like and could not identify with, even living in what seems to me as one of the ugliest cities of Romania was a relief. Ironically enough, it was all a relief from the way my life had been up to that point. It is interesting to observe how things that you sometimes catalogue as difficult can be so easy if you are in a different situation – and the other way around. It so much depends on the perspective you take, on the way in which you relate to things! I had thought that working 12 hours a day, doing three or four different jobs and having no time for yourself was the most difficult part of my life, but then I realized it was at least as difficult to have only one job and a lot of free time to spend for yourself. That different feeling came from within myself, because the only person in the world who can change things is oneself and we are responsible first and foremost towards ourselves.
But sometimes it takes a lot of time to understand that and to really feel it and put it into practice. For example, I often think about the Scouts - how we often tend to disregard ourselves in the scouts, because we are so eager to help the world and do things for others. It takes years and years to realize that you can’t help others if you are a wreck or if you are not able to help yourself in the first place. Just like in dancing: how can you lead your pair if you have not taken your position or are not clear about where you want to go?
On the other hand, it is also true and real that we often need a lifetime to discover ourselves and to understand our purpose in the world, while in the meantime we do have to help and play a role. So I guess these are all questions to navigate through and find our own path among them, so that we do not neglect any aspect that is important to us…
Well one of these nights ‘bout 12 o'clock
this old world is gonna rock
Pharaoh's army got drownded
O Mary don't you weep
I can’t say that I have discovered everything I needed to, along this journey so far – on the contrary: when you start such a journey you realize sooner or later that things are more complex than you had imagined. The mere fact that you are able to see that complexity and work with it is some sign of improvement, I guess… because if you do not see the complexity it does not mean it isn’t there…
What is so wonderful about exploring yourself and the miracle of life as a whole is that, once you’ve started it, you can’t go back! This kind of journey needs to move forward and not backward, so maybe even without knowing it, you will take yourself further along the road. This does not mean it is going to be easy or that you don’t need to put effort in it, but it is definitely important. I think, if we look at our collective struggle for meaning and clarity of purpose in the world, it makes such a difference to find that there is a number of people who are actually walking the same path. Nobody is alone, in fact. We are all on that path, in one way or another, even though sometimes unconsciously. But we do have our individual selves to look after and work with, and that we must often do on our own.
Well Moses stood on the Red Sea shore
And smote the water with a two by four
Pharaoh's army got drownded
O Mary don't you weep Well, old Mr. Satan he got mad
Missed that soul that he thought he had
Pharaoh's army get drownded
O Mary, don't you weep
How to keep going? How to keep yourself consciously on the path? How to keep connected to all the other co-walkers? It is hard, at times, because you go through all that chaos quite often and you are alone many times and you may lose touch, you may lose courage, you may get tired or feel insecure. People nowadays are so much looking for security – this word, in all its meanings, seems to be such a paradox of the 21st century and maybe beyond. Our world is now such a fluctuating world, it changes at such a high pace that nothing seems to stay the same from one day to another even. I mean EVERYTHING, from weather or laws to human feelings. Is there anything, then, that can actually provide stability, the mere stability that we need so as to feel secure? Or, if not, how can we actually start living with all this instability and still feel secure? What made it possible for the people of Israel to cross the river when Moses smote the water, even though they knew it was a rationally unreal or impossible thing to happen? What held the waters apart for enough time to allow safe passage? What is the difference between safety itself and the feeling of safety that the Israelites had? Is safety real or is it just a feeling? Do we find it in the world outside or within our soul?
Brothers and sisters don't you cry
they'll be good times by and by
God gave Noah the rainbow sign
Said, "No more water, but fire next time"
Last week I took part in the CDRA Biennial Conference, a quite recently born event that brings together development practitioners from around the world to share from their practice. The Conference itself was an extraordinary space and, due to its nature, it enabled many breakthroughs, I think. But that is another subject and I will need another space and time to write about it, just as about other “events” that occurred during my journey.
However, on our way back from the conference venue, we were passing through Du Toit’s Kloof area and the weather was stormy, with clouds and bursts of strong rain coming and going. Just as we were approaching the pass, this double rainbow appeared in the sky. It was a whole rainbow – I mean you could see all of it rising up amazingly in the middle of the field. I think it was the first time ever that I could see very clearly the start and the end of a rainbow. It appears to start from nothing and it ends into nothing, for there is no physical place for its beginning or end. It was amazing to see that! I could never have seen it before, as I’ve never seen it in such an open space. It was as if someone had placed an arch in the middle of the field. Talking about rainbow, that was to me one of the special experiences on this journey: seeing something as beautiful as a rainbow being created out of the interaction of air and water and light, all invisible and giving birth to something visible.
I have three more weeks in South Africa and when I look at my luggage, it is almost the same as it was when I came here. Myself too, I am apparently the same, for I look the same. But there is so much of that invisible field that I take with me! Somehow, this whole trip came out of nothing and it ends into nothing, I mean nothing that you can literally see, but something is definitely there – a creative force, an invisible interaction of elements. Difficult to grasp or name, but very real and, I hope, beautiful. Pretty amazing!
(lyrics from Bruce Springsteen)
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